When I Forgot What a Full Breath Felt Like

I didn't notice it at first.

I don't know when it started.

I was going through my day when I suddenly became aware of my chest.

It was tight.

Not painfully.

Just held.

I realized my breathing was shallow.

Small breaths. In and out. Enough that I had never really thought about them. I don't know how long I had been breathing that way.

I don't think it was new.

I tried to take a full breath.

It felt unfamiliar.

I breathed in slowly, but my chest resisted. My shoulders tightened before I even realized I was doing it.

So I tried again.

Same thing.

I remember standing there wondering how something as simple as breathing could suddenly require my attention.

Breathing wasn't something I was supposed to think about. But there I was, thinking about it.

I let out a slow breath.

Then another.

For the first time, I started paying attention to how much tension I was carrying.

Not because someone pointed it out.

Not because something happened.

I just noticed.

And once I did, it became difficult not to notice.

I caught myself doing it again later.

Then again.

In conversations.

Sitting quietly.

Driving.

Moments when my attention was somewhere else and my body went back to what it knew.

Shallow breaths.

Tight chest.

Shoulders that never seemed to completely settle.

I started wondering how long this had been normal for me.

I couldn't remember.

That bothered me more than the breathing itself.

Somewhere along the way, I had stopped noticing the difference between being tense and being relaxed.

I had lived with it long enough that it no longer felt like tension.

It just felt like me.

I didn't fix it that day.

I didn't suddenly learn how to relax.

I just became aware of something my body had been doing for a long time.

It would take me years to understand more about what I carried home with me.

But I didn't understand any of that standing there trying to fill my lungs.

All I understood was something much simpler.

I had forgotten what a full breath felt like.